Tuesday, May 26, 2009

How To Make Your Bridesmaids Hate You and Ruin Your Friendship FOR FREAKING EVER

I would like to hear the statistics on how
many weddings end with one or more of
the bridesmaids never speaking to the
bride again. Sadly, it happens.
Sometimes its the fault of both, sometimes
the blame goes on the shoulders of the
bride or the bridesmaid. It shouldn't
happen, but it does.

I was the victim of a Bridezilla myself.
I stepped in as a bridesmaid when her
friend got pregnant. Barbie, the
bride, wanted to keep the girls symmetrical
both in height and weight. That should have
rang a bell, but it didn't. She was my good
friend, I thought I was helping her out.

She started by insisting we wear matching
bras and she checked them out so they
were adjusted to her liking. No cleavage,
no boobs bigger than hers. The dresses
were hideous, a mint green (gag) and we
had to wear matching GREEN eyeshadow.
She made us line up for inspection before
we got dressed for the wedding. Barbie
inspected our makeup. She had everyone in
tears when she started smearing our makeup.
Then she made us remove our nail polish.
She wiped off our lipstick and made us all wear
the same shade off the same tube. Yuck.
Her mantra....you are representing me and
you will represent me the way I say you
will represent me. We weren't allowed to
eat or drink even before we were dressed
and before we walked down the aisle, she
rechecked our bra straps and our teeth
for lipstick. Her mother kept saying
"Its her day, you do what she says".

Oh, and we had scheduled bathroom breaks.
She had a breakdown of when we were
ALLOWED to go to the bathroom.
And did I mention she did all of this with
a cigarette hanging out of her mouth
while she was dressed in her wedding

We weren't allowed to eat at the reception
until she and the groom ate and we were only
allowed to dance with our groomsman partner
and not our SO or dates. It was misery.
I don't think anyone has ever spoken to
her since. The groom is a great guy, we
should have helped him escape. ;)

So if you want your bridesmaids to hate
you forever, here's what to do:

  • Damn their budgets, this is the dress I want them to wear.
  • Tell them the dress deposit is due tomorrow.
  • Choose a dress that is unflattering on them.
  • Choose a color that is hideous on their complexions because you like that color.
  • Choose a wacky theme that forces them to wear costumes.
  • Insist they accompany you to every dress fitting, every wedding shopping spree whether it involves them or not and bitch because they just aren't into your wedding.
  • Spam them with text messages and emails about the wedding plans.
  • Talk nonstop about your wedding and get ticked off at them when they aren't excited to hear about it.
  • Plan your own shower and tell them they owe you for it.
  • Plan your own bachelorette party and make them pay.
  • Start wedding projects, like printing your own invitations and making centerpieces and make attendance mandatory.
  • Make hair and makeup appointments for them and forget to tell them that they have to pay for it themselves.
  • Schedule a spa day on them.
  • Make them take time off of work for dress fittings so you can be there to supervise.
  • Forget that it is final exam week and they have to study.
  • Complain about them to anyone who will listen.
  • Make remarks about their weight at their dress fitting.
  • Insist upon matching updos even if she has short hair.
  • Buy them matching shoes and then give them the bill.
  • Assign them tasks that they don't have time to do because you don't want to pay someone to do it.
  • Keep repeating to them "Its MY day".
  • Forgetting to thank them for all they've done for you.
Yes, these have all happened in various
weddings and we heard it from the maids.
If you want to ruin a friendship, do any
of the above, and trust me, its a done deal.

Moral of the story: Be nice to your maids,
keep them in the loop, keep their budget
in mind and shut up about your wedding.
They are shelling out considerable cash
to do YOU a favor and they are your
friends and family. You won't get a
do over, and a wedding is supposed to
be a joyous occasion. The bride sets
the tone. Make it a good one!

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