Thursday, December 2, 2010

Weddingzilla Dishes On the Royal Wedding

As an American,  I don't get royalty.  But I DO get weddings, so I'm going to dish on what I know about the royal wedding.
Here's my take on the wedding.

The queen is the boss of her family.   She is sort of like your bossy grandmother or aunt who always gets her own way.  Everyone is afraid of her.  The queen is a figurehead, she has no real power, but she decides everything in her family.  She will run the wedding, sort of like a royal wedding coordinator. 

The wedding day will be a bank holiday so that everyone can be off work to watch the wedding on TV.  There is even talk of it being shown on British TV in 3 D.  Wow, tiaras and big hats in 3D, just imagine!  OMG,  I just had a vision of British dental work in high def. 

The wedding dress will be a big secret. You won't read about it on Wiki Leaks.  It will be expensive and its not something anyone but a stick thin gal can wear.  It might be big and poofy,  it might be slinky, but it will be out of everyone's price range guaranteed.  Also guaranteed:  Copies of the dress will hit the mass market April 30th, so that you, too, can dress like a princess if you so desire. 

The bride will wear a tiara out of real diamonds....the queen will dig out something from her royal vault and have it polished up so there will be no need to shop for her headpiece.  It will be worth millions of dollars, so quit whining that you have to shell out $50 for a tiara on Ebay because your mom insists you wear one. Her tiara will be heavy enough to give her a headache.  Yours will not and look just as good and you don't have to give yours back.

The prince will wear something like a tux, or a morning coat, probably with stripes or tails.  It will be something your fiance will NEVER EVER wear, so don't even try. 

Even though the royal wedding will be accommodating a certain amount of  "commoners",  you and I won't be invited, so its not necessary to rush out and get a passport, and shop for a big hat.  Besides, I don't want to go anywhere where I'm considered common.  Have yet to hear if Oprah will be invited.  Hmmm,  I don't think I've ever seen a picture of Oprah in a hat. 

The queen will wear a bigger tiara than the bride so that everyone knows who is boss.  All the other female weddings guests will wear big hats.  Big, strange looking hats.  Some will sprout feathers, others flowers.  Some will be the size of golf umbrellas.  Liken it to the Kentucky Derby without the horse race and the mint juleps. I had to wear hats when I was a kid when I went to church.  I hated the elastic band under the chin and the hat pin that my mom jammed into my head to keep the hat on.   I'm so over hats.  However, watching the hats at the wedding will give me endless enjoyment and lots of WTF were they thinking moments. 

Camilla, her future step mother in law, will have to curtsy to Kate.  Something on the news about royal pecking order and Camilla's past.  I'd be happy if my mother in law would just be NICE to me.  No need to curtsy, but that would be a plus in our relationship.   And speaking of Camilla, how come the British pronounce it Ka-Miller?  Where is the R in Camilla?  "Ka-Miller will be in the background at the wedding as Prince Charles' royal consort."   What is a royal consort you ask?   She sleeps with someone royal.   

The news reported that it is expected that Kate's sister will be a big part of the wedding.   Well, duh.....what sister isn't?

The Kardashian sisters will NOT be bridesmaids, regardless of what you have heard.  Not gonna happen as the queen got an advance copy of their tell all book. 

Horses will somehow figure in the celebration.  The bride will either arrive in a horse driven carriage or there will be mounted police riding horses to control the crowds.   No word on what the queen's dogs will be doing or whether they will be running around begging for food at the reception. 

There's going to be a lot of pomp and circumstances, banners, music, buglers and men in strange costumes that aren't ballet dancer wearing tights.  Picture Shrek in Far Far Away land and you'll get the idea. 



Shrek 2 Photo
DreamWorks Distribution LLC 
 
Lots of luck to the wedding couple, living life in a fishbowl can't be fun.  

Now that y'all know what is going to happen at the wedding, you can get back to everyday life.  That's exactly what I'm going to do! 

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

American Kids View of the Royal Wedding

It seems no one is immune from the news of the royal wedding.  While I was in the kitchen cooking my ass off for Thanksgiving, my weekend house guests were planted in front of the TV, the parents watching football, the munchkins watching TV in a bedroom. 

I decided to check on the girls who were watching a program about the royal wedding and this is what I overheard:

Announcer in a clipped British accent:  "The future princess blah blah...."

Kid 1:  "I have a princess Barbie."

Kid 2:  "I saw all the princesses when I was at Disney.  I didn't see her."

Announcer:  "Kate will be in royal boot camp to learn protocol."

Kid 1:  "My Dad was in boot camp when he was in the Army.  He had to walk a lot and do exercises."

Kid 2:  "Are they going to make her exercise?"
           "What's  royal pro-doll?"

Kid 1:  "Ummmm, they will make her drop and give them 20.  I think pro-doll is something in 4th grade."

Kid 2:  "Kayley is in 4th grade, she rides my bus."

Announcer:  "Kate will be in school to learn how to deal with royal life".

Kid 1:  "I wonder what grade she will be in, probably high school because she looks big."

Kid 2:  " Or college.   I hope she goes to Ohio State because I have a hoodie from there."

Kid 1:  "My dad says boo Buckeyes."

Kid 2:  "I wonder if she's going to have a Christmas party at school.  We always have good Christmas parties with cookies."

Announcer:  "Kate doesn't have a royal pedigree...."

Kid 1:  " Ewwww, I never want to be a princess!"

Kid 2:  "Why?"

Kid 1: "Because they make you eat dog food,  Roxy eats Pedigree.  Yuckkkkkkkk."

Kid 2:  "My brother ate dog food and he barfed.  I don't want to be a princess either."

Yup, we Americans just don't get it.  ;)

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