What To Do If Someone In Your Wedding Party Drops Out

It happens to the best planned wedding, a member of the wedding party suddenly drops out and sends the bride into a full fledged panic. The reasons may be bogus or legit, it might be a work conflict, a car accident or a  case of bad bridesmaid.  The reason doesn't matter, you suddenly have a gap in the wedding party!

Its not the end of the world and the wedding won't be ruined.  It's more common than you can imagine. It happened to me. The person got transferred for work a week before the wedding.  There wasn't any thing I could do.  Of course I cried, cursed my fate and cried some more, but it did nothing to remedy the situation.  So, I punted and decided not to replace the missing member.  It was OK.  I had an extra usher and none of the guests noticed.  

So what should you do should this (please God, NOOOO!) happen to you?  A lot depends on the wedding time line when it happens. If its early enough in the planning stages, you can simply replace that member.  If its closer to the wedding, you still have choices....replace or not replace.    

Not replacing is the easiest choice.  You can have an extra bridesmaid, you can have an extra groomsman or usher.  Have two groomsmen walk with one bridesmaid or vice versa.  Or bump an usher up to a groomsman and have him do dual duty.  If it's your maid of honor, have one of the bridesmaids step into that position.

Replacing is trickier at this stage.  If the bridesmaid dresses have been special ordered, someone has to pay for the dress because the manufacturer wants their money.  There is no way the manufacturer will cancel the order.  A special order is a special order in bridal. The bridal shop pays the dress manufacturer or the manufacturer will hold all the dresses.   You can scream all you want at the bridal shop, but it won't help.   You can demand the bridal shop give you YOUR dress, but unless you signed for the special order, put down the deposit and signed the contract that you are responsible for the balance, it is NOT your dress.  The dress belongs to the MIA bridesmaid.  Its becomes a legal matter and the courts won't be on your side.  

There is a solution.  Talk to the dropout about the dress.  99% of the time she won't want the dress, but you have to make sure she doesn't want the dress.  Offer to pay her back the deposit, then have her contact the bridal shop to tell them that she releases the dress to you.   You will then be responsible for paying the balance of the dress.  If your replacement is willing to pay for the dress in full, your replacement pay you for the dress.  You can offer to pay half of the dress for her because she's doing you a huge favor of stepping in at the last minute.  The key is communication between the dropout, yourself and the bridal salon.  

If the dropout is a groomsman, he can simply rent a tux.  Since the tux has to be paid in full when the tux is ordered, it won't be a problem if MIA groomsman doesn't show up.  The tux will just stay in the back room.   Again, the payment WON'T be transferred, the tux belongs to whomever ordered it.  Its the legality thing.

Your wedding won't be ruined if someone drops out.  Don't waste a lot of energy twittering, complaining, crying and skewering the dropout.  It's NOT worth it.  Sometimes things just happen.  And it could be worse:   I once had a wedding where all the bridesmaids were arrested for possession after the rehearsal dinner and were in jail the day of the wedding!  And the wedding went on as planned....but I think the friendships were permanently fractured. 

Take a deep breath, it will all work out. 

Quiz: Are You A Bad Bridesmaid?

Have you been accused of being a bad bridesmaid? Take the quiz and find out!

Answers are all true or false.

• Have you clashed with the bride over the wedding?

• Do you hate your bridesmaid dress and have you told everyone how much you hate it?

• Did you refuse to wear the color of the dress the bride picked out because YOU don’t look good in that color?

• Have you publicly trashed the wedding?

• Have you publicly trashed the groom or trashed the groom to other people?
  

• Are you dodging phone calls, texts and emails from the bride?

• Did the bride have to put down the deposit on your bridesmaid dress because you didn’t have the money?

• Did you forget to pay her back?

• Did the other bridesmaids have to hunt you down to plan the wedding shower?

• Did you promise to pay your share of the wedding shower and haven’t paid?

• Did you “forget” to show up at the wedding shower?

• Did you refuse to have your hair or makeup done for the wedding?

• Do you constantly complaining about the wedding expenses?

• Have you decided not to give the couple a wedding gift because just being there is gift enough?

• Are the other bridesmaids watching out for you so you don’t drink excessively at the reception?

• Did you have to be coerced to go to your bridesmaid dress fitting?

• Did you trash the bride and the other maids during your fitting to the seamstress?

• Did you have a hissy fit in the bridal shop because you didn’t want to pay for alterations?

• Have you told the bride that your wedding was better because……. And she should do it your way?

If you have answered true to more than three of these questions, you are a bad bridesmaid. While it’s normal to not love the bridesmaid dress, trashing the bride’s taste in public is bad behavior. When there’s a group of people who have to wear the same dress, not everyone is going to love the dress or the color. A true friend will wear what the bride wants and keep a smile on her face, it’s the bride’s choice, it’s her wedding.


Not paying your share of expenses can make you a bad bridesmaid. If the costs are normal and reasonable, and you agreed, you should pay. If the bride is unreasonable in her requests and expenses, that’s another story. The bridesmaid’s expenses are dress, alterations, shoes, shower and shower gift, bachelorette party and bachelorette party gift and wedding gift. Optional expenses are hair, makeup and accessories.


A bad bridesmaid is someone who didn’t want to be in the wedding and didn’t know how to say no. The time to say no is before the planning and expenses start. “Thank you so much for asking me to be in your wedding. I’m honored you asked, but I can’t afford to be a bridesmaid, and I’d be happier to just be a guest. “ How hard is that? Once you say yes, you’ve committed. Acting out and behaving badly only reflects back on you.


How to be a good bridesmaid:

• Support the bride in her decisions about the wedding.

• Make all dress appointments and deposits in a timely manner.

• Keep in touch with the bride so you stay in the wedding loop.

• Work with the other maids to plan the shower, bachelorette party, etc.

• If you agree to make food or pay for part of the shower, do it.

• Be there when the bride needs a friend, needs to talk or blow off steam.

• Help the bride with your time if she needs help or giving her reassurance and being her friend.

• Show up with a big smile and enjoy the wedding!

Wedding Q: What To Do About A PIA Bridesmaid?

The Bridesmaid, by John Phillip, painted in 1860


Wedding Q...uestion: "Hi, I have a
bridesmaid that is causing trouble in my
wedding. She hates the dress, she refuses
to participate in any wedding activities,
she talks smack about my fiance. What
should I do?"

My first impulse would be to tell you to
kick her to the curb, but there is something
going on with her. She may be jealous,
she may be afraid of losing your friendship
once you are married. Maybe the problem
is financial. Or maybe she may just enjoy
being disruptive.

Take time to talk to her alone. Take her to
lunch and ask her in a nice non confrontational
way about the problem. Reassure her that your
friendship is important and just because you
are getting married, it doesn't mean she won't be
a part of your life.

Tell her you are willing to listen
to any thing she has to say and then LISTEN.
She may have some valid points, she may not.
Don't yell, argue or accuse.

Give her the option of bowing out gracefully if
you see that that is her intent. She will still
be responsible for the cost of her maids dress if
the dress has been ordered. That may tick her off
but that's the reality of the situation. You agree
to be in the wedding, you agree to the gig and its
costs. In the worst case scenario that she bows out,
you can negotiate with her about replacing her and
having the replacement maid reimburse her for the
cost of the maid's dress.

You can't please everyone in the wedding party, but
it helps if you put forth some effort. If she is
as troublesome as you say, you may not WANT her
in your wedding party.

For more information, check this out: Are You
A Maidzilla?

Email your wedding questions to:
weddingzilla@tootsieworld.com and
we'll do our best to consult with our
experts and give you the best answers!